Should I Just Give In to What My Child Wants?

If you’ve been reading what I share or talking with me(whether in or out of formal settings), you’re probably attempting to think about your triggers and understand where your child is coming from. You’re trying really hard to remain calm.

It’s very difficult to say the least.

“He wants me to be triggered and angry.” you might tell yourself.

“She has to stop.”

You’re able to catch your breath by walking away, which helps you get curious.

“Why is he doing that?”

“What does she need?”

You ask, and you see two possibilities:

He might share what he needs (because you’ve seen that he has been able to in the past) and you may or may not be able to fulfill that need; if not, he may act out further. 

Or she may not share or know how to share what she needs.

If he acts out further or is unable to share, you might feel helpless and fall back into the old unconscious pattern of controlling his behavior with punishment.

“He wants more ice-cream. He’s had it twice this week. I’ve empathized with him and shared with him that it’s unhealthy, but he’s still acting out.”

I hear you, and I see your attempt to deconstruct your process. 

First, you’re growing. Can you see that? Actually see that you’ve gone from an immediate reaction to a pause, where you can access curiosity and empathy for your child?

It might not yet be the solution you hoped for, but it’s progress. There is growth. You’re moving in the direction of understanding yourself, and soon you’ll be able to hold space for your child long enough that they can stay connected to themselves. Acknowledge yourself.

Second, if he/she is able to share what they need, but you’re unable to fulfill that need, get curious by asking yourself…

Is what he is asking for physically or emotionally safe? (really get present to this question – does this request pose danger?)

If not, why am I unable to meet his need? What am I worried about?

Is what I’m worried about true? Am I able to prove that it’s true? If so, what are the chances of what I believe will actually happen?

Can I find healthy examples of where I’ve seen other children do/say/eat what they need?

Can I create a condition where both they and I feel safe enough to engage in what they need?

“You’ve had ice-cream twice this week. I see you want it again. The problem with eating ice-cream all the time is that it has sugar, and sugar is unhealthy for your body. I want to support you in making a healthy choice. You can have it today, but can we agree for you to have it twice a week starting tomorrow? Yes? Okay. I want you to know that it might be hard to sit with your feelings the next time you ask for it, but I will need to hold this boundary to keep you safe. I love you.”

And then hold the boundary.

If learning how to compassionately respond to your children is helpful, you may enjoy having the library of the conversations I have with Jian. You can find the entire resource library and more by joining my monthly membership, The Path to Conscious Parenting.