A Simplified Way to Understand a Trigger

Real life, real-time, everyday triggers you might experience might be thoughts like:

“He made me so angry.”

“She doesn’t listen to me. It’s so frustrating.”

“He’s disrespectful.”

“She’s ignoring me.”

Some days you catch them, become aware of them, and are able to pause. Other days, they take over your entire body, resulting in unintentional disconnections with your children.

When we last spoke, we went over what a trigger is. I wanted to break it down a little further to help you understand why having that knowledge is so important.

When you dissolve your triggers at their root, you’ll be able to make sense of the situations you find yourself in and view the situation for what is really going on, instead of what you think is going on.

A trigger sets off emotions that were buried from an experience we had in our childhood, one that we never fully understood. This experience is made up of several components.  

Let’s look at Dr. Gabor Mate’s metaphor of what a trigger is. If we look at a weapon, the trigger mechanism is really a very small part of the object, isn’t it?

What’s actually dangerous is a weapon that is loaded, ready to fire, with an explosive and bullets. The trigger presents no threat without the explosive, and the bullets are harmless without the trigger.

The weapon must be whole for it to function effectively.

Triggers act in a similar way inside ourselves. We must look at all the components attached to a trigger in order to make sense of the whole, and why it’s showing up. Triggers are our emotional disconnections from the past that show up in the present moment.

Without making sense of all components of the trigger, we will find ourselves feeling triggered by the same situations over and over again. We’ll think:

“He does it on purpose.”

“She is manipulative.”

“I’ve explained it to him so many times.”

“She is just seeking attention.”

But while the trigger you’re experiencing in your body is real, the thoughts and perceptions connected to the trigger are from the past.

How do we know?

In doing the below guided exercise, you’ll be able to deconstruct your trigger, which will help you understand which part of your past experience is showing up in your present moment.

If you’re curious to see for yourself, get a paper and pen.  

Sit relaxed in a comfortable position.  

Take 5 deep breaths in and out to regulate or center yourself.  

Think of a time when your child really triggered you.  

Meditate on that time for 2 minutes. See if you can get yourself into that exact moment or experience when you felt triggered.  

Then begin journaling, using these prompts:

I’m triggered because (ex. she doesn’t listen to me. It’s so frustrating):

The first image that pops up in my head when I think (ex. she doesn’t listen to me) is:

This happens when (describe the situation):

Those words remind me of (ex. person or situation):

I feel (describe the emotion):

I feel tension in my (describe where you feel the physical sensation in your body):

This exercise really opened my eyes when I did it for the first time. It helped me see my entire experience as a whole, rather than just focusing on my child.