The One Thing I Have to Consciously Work On, Like ALL.THE.TIME.
If there is one thing I consciously work on, like all the time, it’s trying to honor Jian’s choices. At times it may appear to some that I’m just giving in and parenting lazily – but I assure you, I’m not. It’s actually really hard work to continue looking inward to see if I’m getting in his way by my need to control him, or if he’s getting in the way of his own growth.
Sometimes when I find myself in the middle of full-on tantrums, I’m unable to find calm within myself that will allow me to gently explain to him what’s going on in a way that he’s able to listen and actually hear what I’m saying. That’s when I feel like I’m failing him.
But on days when I’m able to do this hard work of fully honoring him, I’m able to stay calm, respond, and engage him in a way that doesn’t feel threatening to him.
You see, the only way he’ll feel heard is if he is unconditionally accepted, not only in that moment but at all times. In feeling accepted, he feels safe. When he feels safe, his nervous system will regulate itself, and he’ll be able to calm down.
If he’s felt unaccepted in the weeks, days, hours, and minutes leading up to the tantrum or meltdown, he will feel unsafe and will shut down. His nervous system will not be able to regulate itself, and the situation will stress him out. This will result in him not only refusing to listen, but not being able to even really hear the words I am saying.
Dr. Dan Siegel explains how a child’s brain develops in parts: the upstairs and downstairs brains.
The upstairs brain(or, as we’ve been calling it, the conscious mind or prefrontal cortex) is a work in progress until the age of 20. It is responsible for decision-making, controls emotions such as empathy, and allows us to see other perspectives. This is the important work I’m talking about. If this part of a child’s brain isn’t nurtured with unconditional acceptance, their emotional body (or intelligence) will not grow at a natural speed like their physical bodies will.
The downstairs brain(or the subconscious mind) is fully developed at birth. It is responsible for basic functions like blinking and breathing. It’s also where innate reactions like anger and fear breed.
Depending on where children are acting out from – their upstairs brain or downstairs brain – the tantrums look different.
An upstairs brain tantrum occurs when there is no logic to their reasoning. You’ll be able to tell because their energy levels tend to be low, and their reactions may be harsh and come out of nowhere.
This response calls for strong boundaries; or, depending on the situation and the emotional capacity of the child in that given moment, it calls for releasing control to allow what’s needed to unfold with unconditional acceptance.
Accepting our children unconditionally at all times may seem either like an intimidating task to take on or a lazy way of parenting. You may think; “well, if I honor all of my child’s choices, am I really teaching him/her how to be a responsible human being?” or “how can I possibly honor all of my child’s requests without worrying about how safe his/her choices are?” Both concerns are valid.
When we talk about unconditionally accepting our children, what we’re really saying is to unconditionally hear them out, in a way where we aren’t disregarding their own beliefs or judgements on what they are choosing. It doesn’t always mean we can honor their choices; it means that when they don’t get the outcome they want, they need to be given an explanation on why we can’t honor their choice so that they understand that they are heard.
What do you guys think? Is honoring your children’s choices something you value? What do you find challenging about it?
