[et_pb_section fb_built=”1″ _builder_version=”4.4.2″ background_color=”#a397a7″ custom_padding=”7px|||||”][et_pb_row _builder_version=”4.4.2″ width=”100%” saved_tabs=”all” collapsed=”off”][et_pb_column type=”4_4″ _builder_version=”4.4.2″][et_pb_image src=”http:\/\/jilnajasani.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/04\/jillna-flower-topper-01.png” _builder_version=”4.4.2″ max_width=”350px” module_alignment=”center”][\/et_pb_image][et_pb_post_title meta=”off” featured_image=”off” _builder_version=”4.4.2″ title_font=”Kurale|||on|||||” title_text_align=”center” title_font_size=”40px”][\/et_pb_post_title][et_pb_image src=”http:\/\/jilnajasani.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/11\/47.jpg” _builder_version=”4.4.2″][\/et_pb_image][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][et_pb_row _builder_version=”4.4.2″ width=”100%”][et_pb_column type=”4_4″ _builder_version=”4.4.2″][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.4.2″ text_font_size=”19px” hover_enabled=”0″]<\/p>\n
One of the biggest questions I hear is \u201chow do you know whether to intervene between sibling rivalry or allow them to sort things out on their own?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n On the one hand, we know that by allowing them to resolve their own rivalry, they\u2019ll practice conflict resolution; but on the other hand, we\u2019re either worried one of them will get hurt, or that their screaming and yelling matches will trigger our own need for sanity or peace. It can be tough to know what to do in the moment, and both are equally important in order for everyone to thrive.<\/span><\/p>\n My brother, his wife, and their five-year-old daughter Nia are our neighbors. If you follow me on social media like Facebook or Instagram, you\u2019ve probably heard me sharing about my relationship with my niece. She\u2019s like my second child; from the moment she wakes up, she\u2019s at our house.<\/span><\/p>\n So while I don\u2019t have a second child of my own, you may imagine that I\u2019m quite familiar with sibling rivalry.<\/span><\/p>\n It hasn\u2019t always been easy. I can remember many times when I\u2019ve had to come between screaming matches, scratches on each other, and name-calling; both to avoid feeling my own anxiety and anger around \u2018why they just can\u2019t get along\u2019, and to intervene before someone got seriously hurt.<\/span><\/p>\n [\/et_pb_text][et_pb_image src=”http:\/\/jilnajasani.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/11\/Coexistence051820.jpg” _builder_version=”4.4.2″ hover_enabled=”0″][\/et_pb_image][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.4.2″ text_font_size=”19px” hover_enabled=”0″]<\/p>\n I\u2019ve had many failed attempts. I\u2019ve made it worse, both for myself and for them, before I was able to attempt to make it better.<\/span><\/p>\n When I reflect back, I can see how, at times my biggest personal growth came when I hit lows.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n It was after I separated them, screamed at them, blamed them, or punished them that I realized the one hurting the most was me. I wound up feeling an immense amount of guilt and shame that somehow carried on with me through the days afterwards.<\/span><\/p>\n As I made the commitment to grow, I knew that commitment included their growth, too.<\/span><\/p>\n We had so many ups and downs. I learned how to connect, and in the process, I disconnected. I problem-solved and failed to solve the real problem. Sometimes they shut down because I hadn\u2019t yet fully understood how to hold space for their feelings. Sometimes one felt understood while the other felt ignored.<\/span><\/p>\n But this is the way of growth. It is a dynamic process. It involves twists and turns, highs and lows. Its purpose is to allow us to learn the tools that enable us to endure and nurture the process, rather than stop or resist it.<\/span><\/p>\n And while I do believe that pain is the portal to growth, I also believe that safety is the portal for healing.<\/span><\/p>\n Which brings me to why I\u2019m writing to you today.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Are any of you familiar with Stephen Porges\u2019 \u2018Polyvagal Theory\u2019? Learning about it changed everything about the way I help Jian and Nia solve problems.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n The theory posits that we relate to each other when we are socially engaged, and that we are socially engaged when we feel safe.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n [\/et_pb_text][et_pb_image src=”http:\/\/jilnajasani.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/11\/69.jpg” _builder_version=”4.4.2″ hover_enabled=”0″][\/et_pb_image][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.4.2″ text_font_size=”19px” hover_enabled=”0″]<\/p>\n He says that creating safety is the basis of growth. It should be the sole intention.<\/span><\/p>\n What he means by safety is our ability to generate trust between us and our children. Our children have to trust that we will unconditionally accept them. It doesn\u2019t matter how much we \u201cknow\u201d what\u2019s good for them intellectually; if they don\u2019t experience this energetic exchange of trust, they will pick up on our intention.<\/span><\/p>\n Trust happens on an energetic level. If they don\u2019t feel safe in our presence, they won\u2019t be able reach an optimal state of growth where they can solve their own rivalries. They will be unable to create relationships with their siblings or with us.<\/span><\/p>\n But when they can get to a place where they feel safe, they will be able to endure suffering in the service of their growth. In other words, when they trust our intention to help them grow, they will be okay with discussing their true feelings and their own perspective with us, as well as with their siblings.<\/span><\/p>\n If we help them without building safety, we\u2019re reinforcing their rivalries.<\/span><\/p>\n What is one thing you can do today to unconditionally accept your children, in a way where you\u2019re not giving them advice, instruction, or your experience; but rather showing them through your presence that they are accepted?<\/span><\/p>\n I\u2019m working on focusing on my breath when I witness Jian and Nia in disagreement. Unless I see that one is physically hurting the other, I\u2019m trying to allow them to resolve their conflicts on their own, regardless of name-calling, screaming, or teasing.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n [\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][\/et_pb_section]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" One of the biggest questions I hear is \u201chow do you know whether to intervene between sibling rivalry or allow them to sort things out on their own?\u201d On the one hand, we know that by allowing them to resolve their own rivalry, they\u2019ll practice conflict resolution; but on the other hand, we\u2019re either worried […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":3581,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"nf_dc_page":"","_et_pb_use_builder":"on","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","om_disable_all_campaigns":false,"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"_joinchat":[],"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[1],"tags":[22,23,21,25,28,29,34,35,11,26,50],"class_list":["post-3580","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-authentic","tag-authenticity","tag-awareness","tag-commitment","tag-connect","tag-connection","tag-conscious-choice","tag-consciousness","tag-parenting","tag-parenting-styles","tag-sibling"],"yoast_head":"\n