[et_pb_section fb_built=”1″ _builder_version=”4.4.2″ background_color=”#a397a7″ custom_padding=”7px|||||”][et_pb_row _builder_version=”4.4.2″ width=”100%” saved_tabs=”all” collapsed=”off”][et_pb_column type=”4_4″ _builder_version=”4.4.2″][et_pb_image src=”http:\/\/jilnajasani.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/04\/jillna-flower-topper-01.png” _builder_version=”4.4.2″ max_width=”350px” module_alignment=”center”][\/et_pb_image][et_pb_post_title meta=”off” featured_image=”off” _builder_version=”4.4.2″ title_font=”Kurale|||on|||||” title_text_align=”center” title_font_size=”40px”][\/et_pb_post_title][et_pb_image src=”http:\/\/jilnajasani.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/11\/44.jpg” _builder_version=”4.4.2″][\/et_pb_image][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][et_pb_row _builder_version=”4.4.2″ width=”100%”][et_pb_column type=”4_4″ _builder_version=”4.4.2″][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.4.2″ text_font_size=”19px”]<\/p>\n
You may remember the story I shared during our Thriving in the Truth: Turning Triggers into Clarity and Growth workshop, about my core belief of \u201cnot being smart enough\u201d and how that core belief ultimately had me sabotaging my relationship with Jian.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n To recap: growing up, this belief created so much suffering in different areas of my life.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n It held me back from learning technology. It paralyzed me when it came to reading. It hindered my ability to write.<\/span><\/p>\n [\/et_pb_text][et_pb_image src=”http:\/\/jilnajasani.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/11\/pexels-viktoria-goda-1107495-scaled.jpg” _builder_version=”4.4.2″ hover_enabled=”0″][\/et_pb_image][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.4.2″ text_font_size=”19px”]<\/p>\n Early on in my life, my ego learned to overcompensate in areas to help me cover up where I felt inadequate or stupid.<\/span><\/p>\n As far back as I can remember, structure and organization came easily to me. It\u2019s how my ego learned to protect me. Being organized covered up where I felt I \u201cshould\u201d have been smarter.<\/span><\/p>\n I remember others deeming my structural and organizational skills valuable, which made me feel more validated, resulting in achieving even higher levels of both.<\/span><\/p>\n This was the case throughout high school, into college, and even when I began my event design business. It followed me into marriage. After giving birth to Jian, I became obsessive.<\/span><\/p>\n [\/et_pb_text][et_pb_image src=”http:\/\/jilnajasani.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/11\/pexels-olia-danilevich-5088018-scaled.jpg” _builder_version=”4.4.2″ hover_enabled=”0″][\/et_pb_image][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.4.2″ text_font_size=”19px”]<\/p>\n I had calendar reminders set up so that by the time Jian was three, I had signed him up for Kumon to ensure he became smart; as if he wasn\u2019t already!<\/span><\/p>\n I would sit down with him to do his Kumon lessons, and no matter what I tried, he didn\u2019t want to engage. I tried creating structure through fun lesson plans and organized his routine to ensure he was fully fed and rested before we started. No matter what I did, within the first ten minutes we were both in the midst of full-on explosions\u2014him screaming on the floor and me walking away fuming with anger.<\/span><\/p>\n It came to a point where the triggers were everywhere. I realized that not only was I sabotaging my relationship with Jian, but I was also suppressing his natural self-expression and curiosity.<\/span><\/p>\n [\/et_pb_text][et_pb_image src=”http:\/\/jilnajasani.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/11\/pexels-pixabay-207756-scaled.jpg” _builder_version=”4.4.2″ hover_enabled=”0″][\/et_pb_image][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.4.2″ text_font_size=”19px”]<\/p>\n Don\u2019t get me wrong. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being structured or organized. It\u2019s served me well, and it\u2019s perfectly healthy to have this need – because let\u2019s face it, don\u2019t we feel light and free when we have structure to fall back on?<\/span><\/p>\n But the problem, you see, was that <\/span>overcompensating<\/b> was creating reactions and suffering between me and Jian. I was out of balance, in a way. I was too attached to the idea that organization and structure was more important than everything else, including what was blatantly obvious in the tantrums it was creating. That\u2019s when I had to get clear on the message underneath the tantrums.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n The problem was that I was misguidedly using my son to avoid my vulnerability of feeling stupid. If he did well at school, it would have continued to prove my worth; to show that I was indeed smart.<\/span><\/p>\n I\u2019ve since done the work to face my vulnerabilities. I\u2019ve deconstructed this core inner belief, made sense of my original trauma wound, and healed and released the trigger from my body. In doing so, I\u2019ve disrupted the pattern and relieved both myself and Jian of carrying on my dysfunctional belief.<\/span><\/p>\n This has allowed me to enter into a natural learning process with him. I\u2019ve stepped outside of the cultural conditioning around how we \u201cshould\u201d learn, or the expectation that we all learn at the same pace or in the same way.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n [\/et_pb_text][et_pb_image src=”http:\/\/jilnajasani.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/11\/pexels-pixabay-40721-scaled.jpg” _builder_version=”4.4.2″ hover_enabled=”0″][\/et_pb_image][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.4.2″ text_font_size=”19px” hover_enabled=”0″]<\/p>\n If you find this conversation intriguing, and are wondering how to determine whether or not you are inside culture\u2019s conditioning around learning, then simply ask yourself this question:<\/span><\/p>\n Do I ever feel triggered (or have an expectation) that my son\/daughter \u201cshould\u201d learn something?\u00a0\u00a0<\/b><\/p>\n If the answer to that is \u2018yes\u2019, then it\u2019s likely, like me, that you\u2019ve entered the matrix of cultural conditioning.<\/span><\/p>\n In our home, we\u2019ve since redefined what a natural learning process looks like. We\u2019ve started – and are still working on – creating an environment that supports Jian\u2019s natural ability to learn.\u00a0 This looks like creating opportunities for him:<\/span><\/p>\n [\/et_pb_text][et_pb_image src=”http:\/\/jilnajasani.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/11\/pexels-gustavo-fring-4173334-scaled.jpg” _builder_version=”4.4.2″ hover_enabled=”0″][\/et_pb_image][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.4.2″ text_font_size=”19px”]<\/p>\n In the context of traditional \u201cschooling\u201d, this meant that we disenroll him from Kumon and any other educational activities (which was a Montessori program at the time) that didn\u2019t align with honoring his freedom to learn.<\/span><\/p>\n He was 5 and a half when we officially started this practice. He\u2019s 8 now.<\/span><\/p>\n This week, that environment led him back to Kumon.<\/span><\/p>\n As some of you know, Jian is unschooled. This means that learning happens in the context of life.\u00a0 According to the unschooling laws of Florida, we need to obtain a health form, which requires that we do some blood work. Keeping in mind that we empower his curiosity and freedom to choose what he engages in, he chose not to do the blood work. But in choosing that, he was also responsible for showing Jigar and I how his decision made sense. In other words, he needed to do the work himself to find out if the state would exempt him from it.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n With Jigar\u2019s help, he called the Florida Department of Education to find out, but due to COVID, many attorneys are now working virtually and therefore prefer to be contacted via email. Without having any idea of where this conversation would take us, we got the email, and I sat with him to help him draft it.<\/span><\/p>\n I logged in and showed him how to draft an email. He then copied the email address from the paper I had written it on.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Jian: Okay, done. What shall I write now?<\/span><\/p>\n Me: Well, what\u2019s your question?<\/span><\/p>\n Jian: I want to ask them: if I am doing schooling from home, why do I need to do the health exam?<\/span><\/p>\n Me: Then that\u2019s what you write.<\/span><\/p>\n Jian: Okay, what should the subject be, state of florida?<\/span><\/p>\n Me: Sure.<\/span><\/p>\n As he began to write the email, he realized he didn\u2019t know how to spell that. I was interested to see what would unfold.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Jian: This is hard.<\/span><\/p>\n 5-Year-Old-Niece (who does practice spelling): Jian, don\u2019t worry! I\u2019ll help you.<\/span><\/p>\n Jian: Okay, how do you spell \u2018state\u2019?<\/span><\/p>\n 5-Year-Old Niece: s-t-a-t<\/span><\/p>\n Jian: Thanks\u2026 Mom, what\u2019s the red line under the word?<\/span><\/p>\n Me: It means that word isn\u2019t spelled correctly.<\/span><\/p>\n Jian: Yeah. That sounds like \u2018stat\u2019, Nia.<\/span><\/p>\n 5-Year-Old-Niece: Jian, add a magic \u201ce\u201d.<\/span><\/p>\n Jian: Mom, is that right?<\/span><\/p>\n Me: Yes, it is.<\/span><\/p>\n After trying different combinations of different words, 15 minutes later…<\/span><\/p>\n Jian: I know! I\u2019ll just ask Siri! Siri – write State of Florida.<\/span><\/p>\n Jian: Yay! This works (as he copies the words from his phone).<\/span><\/p>\n Me: Cool! You solved your own problem.<\/span><\/p>\n Jian: Yeah, but Siri doesn\u2019t know how to spell my question. Maybe because the question is long?\u00a0 I see red lines.<\/span><\/p>\n Me: Yeah. Would you like to learn how to spell?<\/span><\/p>\n Jian: Yes.<\/span><\/p>\n Me: Okay, shall we get your Kumon books out?<\/span><\/p>\n Jian: Yes. How long will it take me to learn how to spell?<\/span><\/p>\n Me: Not sure. Shall we see?\u00a0 Let\u2019s try it for a week. If you agree to doing 8 pages per day, every day this week, I\u2019ll reschedule your bloodwork and we can re-discuss it on Sunday.<\/span><\/p>\n Jian: What happens if I don\u2019t learn by next Sunday?<\/span><\/p>\n Me: You\u2019re practicing spelling to write this email, so that we can all get the answer we need. As long as you show me that you\u2019ll try every day, I\u2019ll keep extending the appointment. Does that work?<\/span><\/p>\n Jan: Okay, that works.<\/span><\/p>\n With no reminders of needing to practice, we\u2019ve reached day three! I have no idea how the rest of the week will go.<\/span><\/p>\n [\/et_pb_text][et_pb_image src=”http:\/\/jilnajasani.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/11\/pexels-ketut-subiyanto-4473438-scaled.jpg” _builder_version=”4.4.2″ hover_enabled=”0″][\/et_pb_image][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.4.2″ text_font_size=”19px”]<\/p>\n The one thing that I find very interesting, is his ability to solve his own problems in a way that is not emotionally drawing for him.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n During his lesson this morning, he was stuck on spelling the word \u201cspoil\u201d. I heard him say to himself, \u201cI remember seeing this word on another page\u201d as he turned the pages of the book.<\/span><\/p>\n The old me would have said \u201cno, you can\u2019t copy. You won\u2019t learn otherwise.\u201d The transformed me thought, \u201cAwesome. That\u2019s a great way to solve your own problem\u201d.<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n I\u2019ll share an update next week.<\/span><\/p>\n I\u2019m curious; as you were reading this, what thoughts came up for you?<\/span><\/p>\n Are there ways in which you hold your children accountable to their own learning and growth?<\/span><\/p>\n [\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][\/et_pb_section]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" You may remember the story I shared during our Thriving in the Truth: Turning Triggers into Clarity and Growth workshop, about my core belief of \u201cnot being smart enough\u201d and how that core belief ultimately had me sabotaging my relationship with Jian.\u00a0 To recap: growing up, this belief created so much suffering in different areas […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":3543,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"nf_dc_page":"","_et_pb_use_builder":"on","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","om_disable_all_campaigns":false,"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"_joinchat":[],"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[1],"tags":[22,23,21,25,28,29,34,35,11,26,50],"class_list":["post-3535","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-authentic","tag-authenticity","tag-awareness","tag-commitment","tag-connect","tag-connection","tag-conscious-choice","tag-consciousness","tag-parenting","tag-parenting-styles","tag-sibling"],"yoast_head":"\n\n