[et_pb_section fb_built=”1″ _builder_version=”4.4.2″ background_color=”#a397a7″ custom_padding=”7px|||||”][et_pb_row _builder_version=”4.4.2″ width=”100%” saved_tabs=”all” collapsed=”off”][et_pb_column type=”4_4″ _builder_version=”4.4.2″][et_pb_image src=”http:\/\/jilnajasani.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/04\/jillna-flower-topper-01.png” _builder_version=”4.4.2″ max_width=”350px” module_alignment=”center”][\/et_pb_image][et_pb_post_title meta=”off” featured_image=”off” _builder_version=”4.4.2″ title_font=”Kurale|||on|||||” title_text_align=”center” title_font_size=”40px”][\/et_pb_post_title][et_pb_image src=”http:\/\/jilnajasani.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/10\/38.jpg” _builder_version=”4.4.2″][\/et_pb_image][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][et_pb_row _builder_version=”4.4.2″ width=”100%”][et_pb_column type=”4_4″ _builder_version=”4.4.2″][et_pb_image src=”http:\/\/jilnajasani.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/10\/Coexistence092420.jpg” _builder_version=”4.4.2″ hover_enabled=”0″][\/et_pb_image][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.4.2″ text_font_size=”19px” hover_enabled=”0″]<\/p>\n
If there is one thing I consciously work on, like <\/span>all the time<\/span><\/i>, it\u2019s trying to honor Jian\u2019s choices. At times it may appear to some that I\u2019m just giving in and parenting lazily – but I assure you, I\u2019m not. It\u2019s actually really hard work to continue looking inward to see if I\u2019m getting in his way by my need to control him, or if he\u2019s getting in the way of his own growth.<\/span><\/p>\n Sometimes when I find myself in the middle of full-on tantrums, I\u2019m unable to find calm within myself that will allow me to gently explain to him what\u2019s going on in a way that he\u2019s able to listen and actually hear what I\u2019m saying. That\u2019s when I feel like I\u2019m failing him.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n But on days when I\u2019m able to do this hard work of fully honoring him, I\u2019m able to stay calm,\u00a0 respond, and engage him in a way that doesn\u2019t feel threatening to him.<\/span><\/p>\n You see, the only way he\u2019ll feel heard is if he is unconditionally accepted, not only in that moment but at <\/span>all<\/span><\/i> times. In feeling accepted, he feels safe. When he feels safe, his nervous system will regulate itself, and he\u2019ll be able to calm down.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n If he\u2019s felt unaccepted in the weeks, days, hours, and minutes leading up to the tantrum or meltdown, he will feel unsafe and will shut down. His nervous system will not be able to regulate itself, and the situation will stress him out. This will result in him not only refusing to listen, but not being able to even really hear the words I am saying.<\/span><\/p>\n [\/et_pb_text][et_pb_image src=”http:\/\/jilnajasani.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/10\/unnamed-3.jpg” _builder_version=”4.4.2″ hover_enabled=”0″ align=”center”][\/et_pb_image][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.4.2″ text_font_size=”19px” hover_enabled=”0″]<\/p>\n Dr. Dan Siegel explains how a child’s brain develops in parts: the upstairs and downstairs brains.<\/span><\/p>\n The upstairs brain(or, as we’ve been calling it, the conscious mind or prefrontal cortex) is a work in progress until the age of 20. It is responsible for decision-making, controls emotions such as empathy, and allows us to see other perspectives. This is the important work I\u2019m talking about.\u00a0 If this part of a child\u2019s brain isn\u2019t nurtured with unconditional acceptance, their emotional body (or intelligence) will not grow at a natural speed like their physical bodies will.<\/span><\/p>\n The downstairs brain(or the subconscious mind) is fully developed at birth. It is responsible for basic functions like blinking and breathing. It\u2019s also where innate reactions like anger and fear breed.<\/span><\/p>\n [\/et_pb_text][et_pb_image src=”http:\/\/jilnajasani.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/10\/60.jpg” _builder_version=”4.4.2″ hover_enabled=”0″][\/et_pb_image][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.4.2″ text_font_size=”19px” hover_enabled=”0″]<\/p>\n Depending on where children are acting out from – their upstairs brain or downstairs brain – the tantrums look different.<\/span><\/p>\n An upstairs brain tantrum occurs when there is no logic to their reasoning. You’ll be able to tell because their energy levels tend to be low, and their reactions may be harsh and come out of nowhere.<\/span><\/p>\n This response calls for strong boundaries; or, depending on the situation and the emotional capacity of the child in that given moment, it calls for releasing control to allow what\u2019s needed to unfold with unconditional acceptance.<\/span><\/p>\n Accepting our children unconditionally at all times may seem either like an intimidating task to take on or a lazy way of parenting. You may think; \u201cwell, if I honor all of my child\u2019s choices, am I really teaching him\/her how to be a responsible human being?\u201d or \u201chow can I possibly honor all of my child\u2019s requests without worrying about how safe his\/her choices are?\u201d Both concerns are valid.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n When we talk about unconditionally accepting our children, what we\u2019re really saying is to unconditionally hear them out, in a way where we aren\u2019t disregarding their own beliefs or judgements on what they are choosing. It doesn\u2019t always mean we can honor their choices; it means that when they don\u2019t get the outcome they want, they need to be given an explanation on why we can\u2019t honor their choice so that they understand that they are heard.<\/span><\/p>\n What do you guys think? Is honoring your children\u2019s choices something you value? What do you find challenging about it?<\/span><\/p>\n [\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][\/et_pb_section]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" If there is one thing I consciously work on, like all the time, it\u2019s trying to honor Jian\u2019s choices. At times it may appear to some that I\u2019m just giving in and parenting lazily – but I assure you, I\u2019m not. It\u2019s actually really hard work to continue looking inward to see if I\u2019m getting […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":3462,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"nf_dc_page":"","_et_pb_use_builder":"on","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","om_disable_all_campaigns":false,"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"_joinchat":[],"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[1],"tags":[22,23,21,25,28,29,34,35,11,26,50],"class_list":["post-3461","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-authentic","tag-authenticity","tag-awareness","tag-commitment","tag-connect","tag-connection","tag-conscious-choice","tag-consciousness","tag-parenting","tag-parenting-styles","tag-sibling"],"yoast_head":"\n