[et_pb_section fb_built=”1″ _builder_version=”4.4.2″ background_color=”#a397a7″ custom_padding=”7px|||||”][et_pb_row _builder_version=”4.4.2″ width=”100%” saved_tabs=”all” collapsed=”off”][et_pb_column type=”4_4″ _builder_version=”4.4.2″][et_pb_image src=”http:\/\/jilnajasani.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/04\/jillna-flower-topper-01.png” _builder_version=”4.4.2″ max_width=”350px” module_alignment=”center”][\/et_pb_image][et_pb_post_title meta=”off” featured_image=”off” _builder_version=”4.4.2″ title_font=”Kurale|||on|||||” title_text_align=”center” title_font_size=”40px”][\/et_pb_post_title][et_pb_image src=”http:\/\/jilnajasani.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/09\/How-trauma-is-transferred-1.jpg” _builder_version=”4.4.2″ hover_enabled=”0″][\/et_pb_image][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][et_pb_row _builder_version=”4.4.2″ width=”100%”][et_pb_column type=”4_4″ _builder_version=”4.4.2″][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.4.2″ text_font_size=”19px” header_font_size=”45px” header_2_font=”|||on|||||” header_2_font_size=”32px”]<\/p>\n
Trauma travels in all directions, and those who are most susceptible or vulnerable to it get affected the most. It is the patterns of our traumatized state of mind that continue to show up in our present interactions with our children (and others).<\/span><\/p>\n This is a big concept, so I\u2019ll try to simplify and illustrate my understanding of it in a story.<\/span><\/p>\n Knowing how trauma is transferred matters because it will help you create the conditions to emotionally support your children when they are in the presence of trauma.<\/span><\/p>\n <\/span><\/p>\n [\/et_pb_text][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.4.2″ text_font_size=”19px”]<\/p>\n My son Jian is 7.5.<\/span><\/p>\n We took the leap and exposed him to his first after-school activity before the pandemic.<\/span><\/p>\n With no expectations of sign-up, we arrived to watch our first football practice when this conversation took place…<\/span><\/p>\n <\/span><\/p>\n [\/et_pb_text][et_pb_image src=”http:\/\/jilnajasani.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/09\/pexels-pixabay-209956-scaled.jpg” _builder_version=”4.4.2″][\/et_pb_image][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.4.2″ text_font_size=”19px”]<\/p>\n \u00a0<\/span>Coach: \u201cDon\u2019t you dare disrespect me,\u201d (screaming in the little boy’s face, pointing his finger in his eyes) \u201cDid you hear what I said?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n 6 Year-Old Boy (in the league): \u201cYes, sir.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n \u00a0<\/span>My heart was pounding as I watched my highly sensitive and empathetic child look up at me for reassurance that he was safe, while I\u2019m sure he was simultaneously creating his own interpretation of this situation that may have looked something like:<\/span><\/p>\n \u00a0<\/span>\u201cThis man is dangerous.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n \u201cI feel scared.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n \u201cI don\u2019t ever want to play again.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n \u201cThat boy feels hurt.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n \u201cI wonder if he\u2019s scared?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n <\/span><\/p>\n [\/et_pb_text][et_pb_image src=”http:\/\/jilnajasani.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/09\/pexels-bess-hamiti-35537-scaled.jpg” _builder_version=”4.4.2″][\/et_pb_image][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.4.2″ text_font_size=”19px”]<\/p>\n I quickly grounded myself by acknowledging my triggers before I began to make my own mental interpretations about the boy, the coach, and the situation we just experienced. I knew that if Jian sensed my fear, he would create another set of deeper interpretations.<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n \u201cMom is scared too.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n \u201cShe looks worried.\u201d\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n \u201cThis place is dangerous.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m not coming back.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n \u201cWill he scream at mom too?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n In reading this, I’m curious – if you had witnessed an interaction like this, of a coach and another child, how would you have felt?\u00a0 What would you have thought?<\/span><\/p>\n “Wow, why is that coach so angry?\u00a0 I can’t see\/understand how the boy disrespected him?”<\/span><\/p>\n “Oh, I feel so sorry for that boy.\u00a0 He doesn’t even know what he did.”<\/span><\/p>\n “I can see why that coach would feel disrespected.”<\/span><\/p>\n <\/p>\n [\/et_pb_text][et_pb_image src=”http:\/\/jilnajasani.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/09\/pexels-subin-946727-scaled.jpg” _builder_version=”4.4.2″][\/et_pb_image][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.4.2″ text_font_size=”19px”]<\/p>\n Any and all interpretations of this situation could feel real, but none of them are the truth.\u00a0 The truth is subjective in the eyes of the beholder. However, the <\/span>experience<\/b> of what both the coach and the boy felt, in that moment, is the truth. How do we know? Simply because they actually felt something in their body which created the reaction. In other words, the feeling is real, the interpretation is not.<\/span><\/p>\n Jian, myself, the boy, the coach, and everyone around us in that situation could have been affected, depending on our vulnerability. This is how trauma gets passed down; when experiences aren’t understood. It\u2019s not linear. It\u2019s dynamic. It moves through all vertical and horizontal channels, affecting anyone and everyone who is susceptible to it, unless the trigger is made sense of. In other words, unless we process the emotion, thoughts, beliefs, and feelings around the trigger, it will continue to move through channels affecting those we love so dearly.<\/span><\/p>\n Now (and if it feels okay for you to do so in order to understand your traumatized state of mind), picture yourself as a little girl…<\/span><\/p>\n You’re 5, 6, 7 (maybe younger)?<\/span><\/p>\n Use the below question prompts to understand your traumatized state of mind.<\/span><\/p>\n Think of a situation you were in.<\/span><\/p>\n Who was there?<\/span><\/p>\n What happened? (Describe what you saw)<\/span><\/p>\n What were you worried about?<\/span><\/p>\n What did you make the situation mean?<\/span><\/p>\n How did you feel?<\/span><\/p>\n <\/span><\/p>\n [\/et_pb_text][et_pb_image src=”http:\/\/jilnajasani.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/09\/pexels-nate-hess-2405903-scaled.jpg” _builder_version=”4.4.2″][\/et_pb_image][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.4.2″ text_font_size=”19px”]<\/p>\n The feeling gets stored in your body.<\/span><\/p>\n Years pass by, as the pain grows in that part of your body and continues to go unacknowledged.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Now, see if you can come into the present moment. Take a deep breath if you need to.<\/span><\/p>\n Do you know anything more about the people that were present in that memory? For example, did they experience any emotional pain, like being misunderstood or bullied in any way? Can you identify areas where those around you were also seeking attention? Could it be true that those around you came from homes where there was violence, drugs, physical or emotional abuse?<\/span><\/p>\n